I’m almost getting to the point where I feel like I don’t belong. In my hometown, life wasn’t perfect, but at least I had people around me that I trusted and that would actually make an effort to have fun around me. But here, now, it’s like everyone already is set with the people they’re comfortable with. And in high school, no one really wants to let you in because they’ve already got others to rely on.
And then there’s being lied to. You decide to make the effort since no one else will and they give you excuses such as, “I’m not allowed tonight,” or “Sorry, I’m too tried.” But then a few hours later you see tagged photos or tweets of them out and about partying and having fun. WITHOUT YOU. Almost like they don’t even mind it, WITHOUT YOU.
When they lie like this is just makes me feel unimportant. Like I’m not deserving enough for the truth. It feels as if everyone is thinking, “Oh be careful with her. She’s been on edge so many times. She’s got so much shit going on. Watch what you say around her. She may not be able to handle it.” And that makes me feel weak. That makes me feel like others are pitying me. But I know that’s not true because if they did sympathize for me, I’d be out with them.
So maybe it’s better if they are without me. Maybe if I withdrew myself from their presence, they wouldn’t even have to worry about lying anymore. It’s not like I would mind either. Half of my time I spend I home and the other half is spent at work or school, so I’m really not missing out on anything.
And all at the same time, I can’t tell anyone about how I’m feeling or what my decisions are because then I get called dramatic. And who wants to deal with a drama queen. But I’m not. I swear I could care less about attention and all I want is to have a good time. I just feel so shut out, cut off from everything that I can’t handle it anymore.